“Qof aan dhul marin Dhaayo maleh”

Hordhac/Gogoldhig

Allaah ayaa mahad oo idil iska leh. Nabadgalyo iyo naxariisina nabigeena Muxammad ah korkiisa Allaah ha yeelo.

Marka qofka wadankiisa ka tago oo uu dhex galo ummad ka midab, dhaqan iyo luqadba duwan, mararka qaarna ka diin duwan, waxaad arkeeysaa waxyaalo waligaa aad arkin,waxyaalo kaa yaabiya, mararka qaarba kaaba nixiya.Waa hubaal in ummad kastaa leedahay dhaqamo wanaagsan iyo kuwo xun intaba dadkaa, dhaqankaa leh sida eey rabtaba ha ula muuqatee! Faa’iidada ugu weynse waxeey tahay ku baraarugida jiritaan dhaqan kale, wax ka ogaashihiisa oo tacliin kale ah iyo bal isu barbardhiga dhaqankii aad laheyd ee aad kula soo nooleyd wadankaadi hooyo iyo midkan.

Qormadan waxaan uga hadlayaa dhaqanka qoyska wadanka Pakistan, sida eey u kala sareeysiiyaan wiilasha, gabdha iyo hooyooyinkooda intaba, guurka iyo waxyaalaha la xiriira, furiintaanka, qaab dhaqanka, wada noolaashaha qoysaska iyo arimo kaloo farabadan. Fadlan kusoo dhowoow adigoo mahadsan.

Kala sareynsiinta wiilasha, gabdhaha iyo hooyooyinkoodaba

Dhaqanka Pakistan qoyska maalintii wiil uu u dhasho waa dabaal dag iyo boodbood ayaa laga dhigayaa, maalintii gabari u dhalatana waa maalin murugeed, waxaana sabab u ah dhaqanka Pakistan oo aan waxba ka duwaneyd kan wadanka Hindiya (India). Hooyada marka eey gabar dhasho waa laga nacaa qoyska, hadii gabar kale eey kusii dartana kaba sii daran, hadii gabdho dhalkeeda sii kordhana waxeey gaarsiisaa in eey Adoon (slave) dhab ah ka noqoto qoyska guud. Marka hooyada wiil dhasho darajo aan caadi aheyn, jaceyl iyo Ixtiraam gaar ah ayey ku kasbataa, markastoo will hor leh eey dhashana awoodeeda ayaa si weyn u kororta, illaa heer la gaarsiiyo in waxkasta oo ey dhahdo aan mayaba la dhihikarin dhinaca ninkeeda iyo reerkiisaba.

Wadamada qaar ee dhaqankan kala midka ah Pakistan sida wadamada ku yaala Koonfur-Bari Aasiya (South east Aisa) ee aan Muslimiinta aheyn sida India, inta Uurka eey ku jirto ayaa la isku dayayaa in la ogaado, hadii gabar eey tahayna weey soo ridaan/tuuraan (Apportion) oo wadanka India waxaa la sheegaa in daqiiqad kastaa dhowr gabar oo Sabi/Caruur aan waxba galabsan waalidkoodd ku dilaan..

Mushkilada Nin ugadida gabdhaha Pakistan(Dowry/Jeheez)

Pakistan dilka gabdhahaa Sabiga ah tiro ahaan wadamadaa kalama sinna. Dhibkale ayaase jira. Wadanka Pakistan marka gabari eey dhalato waxaa loo arkaa Kiil ama culeys kusoo kordhey qoyska, waxaana u sabab ah in gabadhaa marka eey Guur gaarto rabto in nin loo gado/Iibiyo. Waxaa waalidka gabadha dhalay looga baahanyahay in uu bixiyo wax la yiraahdo Dowry ama Jeheez oo ah hanta farabadan oo gabadha laga rabo marka la guursanayo.Inta badan waa wixii guriga la dhigi lahaa iyo wixii lagu dhaqmi lahaa oo dhan, mararka qaarna guryo iyo baabuur ayaa ka mid ah-Heerka qoysaska kala guursanaya ayeyse ku xirantahay. Sidaa daraadeed waalid dhaqaalihiisa inta uu rabo hala ekaadee wuxuu isku dayayaa in uu gabdhii u dhalataba uu u furo Bank Account si uu lacag ugu uruurinteeda u bilaabo maalinta eey dhalataba, hadii uusan sidaa sameyna cid ka guursaneysa malaha! Wax la qiyaasi karo ma aha pressure-ka, walwalka, iyo walbahaarka waalidka gabdhaha dhaley eey ku noolyihiin, gaar ahaan marka uu dhaqaalo ahaan liito ama uuba faqiir yahay.

Odey aan mar daris aheyn ayaa waxaan si gaar ah u dareemey in uu markasta murugeeysanyahay, hoos fiirinayo, sida qof waalan raba kaligiis wadada iskula hadlo, mid aan saaxiibo aheyn oo daris ahaa ayaan weydiiyey waxa ninkan ku dhacay, wuxuu iigu Jawaabey, “Wuxuu dhalay Shan gabdhood oo aan wiilna ku jirin”-Subxaanallaah!”. Macnaha hadii uu wiil ku jiro, waxaa loo keenayaa isagana dowry culeyska ayuuna ka fududeeynayaa.Waxaa ugu naxdin badan kuwooda iimaankooda liito, dhamaan gabdhaha iyo hooyadoodba inta laayaan/wada dilaan ayey iyagana is dilaan ama Police-ka isu soo dhiibaan.Waxa dhacdooyin nuucaan ah ee Sawiro naxdin badan wata ee joornaalada kusoo baxaya maalinkasta waad qaracmeysaa xaqiiqdi.

Nuucyada Guurka ee wadanka Pakistan

Pakistan waxaa ka jira laba nuuc oo guur ah oo lagu kala magacaabo A-Guur waalidka doortey (arranged marriage) iyo B-mid Lamaanayaasha is doorteen (love marriage).

A-Guurka waalidka doorteen waa kan loo badan yahay wadanka Pakistan, waa kan kaliya ee la aqbali karo ee aan cidina ka hor imaankarin. Gabadha iyo wiilka is guursanaya wax kaalin ah kuma laha, doorasho ama wax ka hadal ah ma jiro- Waloow eey ku kala duwan yihiin qoysaska kuwaasoo ku kala ad adag kaalmaha eey kala qeybsanayaan waalidka iyo labada la isku aroosinayo. Waana midka sida weyn labada qowsba ugu wada dabaal dagaan, uga wada qeyb qaataan.

B-Kan kale ee Love-marriage-ka la dhoho, badanaa wuxuu ka dhacaa Maxkamadaha, waxaana gala labada hubta in la isu diidayo. Hadii eey Tuulo ama baadiyaha kale tahanayna waxaaba macquul ah in labadoodaba lawada dilo/laayo ama midkood. Inta bandanna qoysaska wey jaraan lamaanahaa, geeri, tacsi iyo aroos toona reerka lama qeybsan karaan, qaarka ugu xagjirsana xitaa Dhaxalka qoyska ayey ka saaraan, hadana iyagoo ka dharagsan ciqaabaadkaas aadka u xanuunka badan,ayaa qaar u bareeraan, laga yaabe in eey rajo ka qabaan in waalidka cafiyo oo waxba eeysan is badalin, weyna dhacdaa marar badan. Nasiib darase inta badan wey ku hungoobaan.  

Caateeysiinta gabdhaha wadanka Pakistan

Pakistan gabadhu waa in eey caato tahay.-Dumar Buuran wadankaas balaayaa ku aragtey- si gabadha caato looga dhigana waa in cuntadeeda aad loola socdaa, oo waxaa laga eryayaa mararka qaar marka ey nafta ceshato ama iyadaaba isa Soomineeysaba. Nasiib daro! Cudurada nafaqo-darada eey keento iyo u dhiigbaxa iyo ku umulraacashada cunuga ugu horeeya waa waxa laaya Dumarka wadanka Pakistan, maxa yeeley dumarku Nahalba ma leh,waa wada naxiif u jilicsan waxkasta dhibba ah.

Mushkilada Furiinka Dumarka wadanka Pakistan

Nasiib darrada ugu weyn ayaa waxeey tahay gabadhii waalidkeed dhaqaalahaa xooga badan nin ugu gadey, waxaa macquul ah in uu soo Furo, hadii mar lasoo furana nolosheeda inta ka dhiman nin kale ma guursanayo. Bal ka waran! Hadii gabdhaa 16-jir lagu guursadey ama ka yarba, Sanad kabacdina lasoo furey, cimri dheerna Allah siiyo? Nasiib darada jirta ayaa waxeey tahay tani waxeey keentaa in tiro aan caqli gal aheyn oo dumar ah “Duurka galaan”.

Waa wax caadi ka ah (common) in aad maqasho Islaan ninkeeda eey isu dhaceen ama xitaa isku qeyliyeen oo kaliya oo dareentey ama isugu sheekeeysey in uu Furi rabo ee is Daldashey ama si uun isu dishey, ama gabar og dhaqaalo xumada waalidkeed iyo in gaddho badan la dhasheen sidaa daraadeedna iyadoo is dhaheeysa guurba nasiib uma yeelaneysid waligaa sidaa isu disho (Suicide). Waxaa intaa sii dheer in aan loo ogoleyn oo aan lagu casuumeeynin Aroosyada, waxaa la leeyahay waa “Qumayo” oo waxaa laga baqayaa in qoyskan cusub imaanshaheeda darted uu u burburo, cidi ma oga waxa keeda ka burburiyey,waxa sababta aheyd iyo iyadaba in eey tahay Dhibanaha dhabta ah, oo Ninka uu sababta lahaa, maataama ninka dhiba iyada qabsanaya uusan qabsaneynin.Ogoow! Isaga wuu kasoo qeyb gali karaa arooskaase!    

Dhaqanka wadanoolaashaha Qoyska (joint family system) ee wadanka Pakistan

Waxeey arinta Furiinka iyo dhaqaalo yaraantaba ku daaweeyaan/kula tacaalaan in eey Ilmo adeerta iska guursato oo waliba qaab is dhaafsi ah u kala guursadaan.Waa wax iska caadi ah in aad aragto walaalo ilmahooda oo dhan iyaga uun isu wada guuriyey oo xitaa ilma adeerta koobaad xitaa eeysan u gurbin, si qoyskaa iyagoo nin iyo naagtii ah hadana dad walaalo ah oo isu naxaya gaar ahaan ninka ileyn isageey walaashii tahaye. Waxeey sidoo kale ku xalliyaan in eey wada noolaadaan waalidka iyo wiilashooda qoysaska eey sameysteen si waalidiintana ugu dhex jiraan oo xalka iyo isku dhaqidaba u dhextaagnaadaan. Dhaqaalo ahaana nolosha isaga kaashadaan iskana warhaayaan. Dhibka jira ayaase wuxuu yahay marka hal guri haba weeynaadee, la isugu keeno dumar farabadan oo aan is dhalin dagaal iyo nuxnux ma dhamaato, hadii qoys is qaba xaajo ka xumaatana, wax sir ah ma jirto (No privacy) ileyn wixii oo dhan ayaa hal guri ehe.Waxa lagu daweynayo ayaase waxkasta ka muhiimsan.

Xaqiiqda jirta ayaa waxeey tahay dhaqanka nuucan oo kale ah, ma aha mid laga soo minguuriyey/ku qotoma Diinteena sharafta badan ee Islaamka, maxaa yeeley owlaada waa hibo qaali ah oo uu Allaah bixiyo gabar iyo will intaba, ogow qofkastaana nasiiba uma yeesho. Culuumta Genes-kana waxeey cadeynayaan in hooyada eeysanba shuqul ku laheyn gabar iyo wiil toona marka Ugxaanta/Ukumaha isku milmayaan oo eey isbacriminayaan si cunug u sameysmo. Nasiibdarrase waa dhaqan ku xidideeystey wadamada South East Asia haba kusii kala darnaadeene.Waa hubaal qofka Aqoonta leh, mid diini ama mid maadi ha ahaatee in uu ka xuroobayo waxaa xun, waadna arkeysaa in badan oo dhaqanka nuucaas ah yaseysa wadankaba ha u dhasheene.

Isu barbardhigida Dhaqankeena Soomaaliyeed iyo dhaqankaa Pakistan

Inkastoo eey jiraan waxyaalo kale oo ka khaldan dhaqan-qoyska Soomaaliyeed hadana kuwa kor aad kusoo aragtey oo kale ma aha. Odeygii gabdho badan Allaah siiyo oo eey u wada wanaagsanaadaan, ugartaana in eey waalidkooda sharfaan kana dambeeyaan, iska daa in uu dhaqaalo uu nin ugu gado ka fikiree isagaaba Sooryo ka dharga oo raga kala xodxodanayaan una soo kala dhuumanayaan. Sidoo kale dumarkeena ma heysato nasiib darada taalla Pakistan ee ah in aan laguursaneyn mar hadii la furo, oo Dumarka Soomaaliyeed qaar ayaa dhaha “War i fur hadii aad i furto ma Feero ayaa iga jabaya” waase nasibdarro in burburinta qoys dhan uu sidaa inoola fududaado.Waa dhab in qeybo Soomaalida kamid ah kala sareeysiiso wiilasha iyo gabdhaha Miyiga/Baadiyahaba ha u badnaatee, hadana wax heerka Pakistan iyo mid u dhow toona ma aha. Waa eey in iska jecelyihiin in eey wilal badan dhalaan kuwaasoo sii wada magaca iyo taranka qoyska si Isirkaa usii jiro.Waloow wax badan hada is badaleen hadana dhinaca kale Caateyn iskaba daaye Dhaqanka Soomaali ayaa waxaa ka buuxda Amaanta dumarka Xusul-Baruurta ah ee Cabaaryo laalaaban iyo Meelkasta buurantahay.

Marka aad aragto dhaqankaa ka jira Pakistan iyo wadamada la midka ah soow kuuma muuqaneeyso in dumarkeena ka nasiib badanyihiin dumar badan?

Afeef

Wixii khalad ah ee qoraalka uu leeyahay nuuckasta ha ahaadeene, waxaa mas’uuliyadeeda iska leh aniga oo kaliya. Waxaan soo dhaweynayaa si Kal iyo Laab ah, waxkasta oo su’aalo, sixid, talo iyo tusaaleynba ah. Fadlan adoo mahadsan iigu soo dir e-mailka hoos ku qoran.

Mahadnaq

Waxaan si Kal iyo Laab ah ugu mahadnaqabaa Injineer Cali Maxamed Cismaan “Cali Nuur” ee jaamacada UET, Peshawar-Pakistan iyo Mr.Maxamed-Amiin Cabdi Cismaan (Amiin Yare) oo qeyb libaax ka qaatey qormadan. Wabillaahi Towfiiq.

W/D: Cabdulqaadir Maxamed Cismaan “Cabdiboqor”

PhD-Candidate

MBA (Marketing)

BBA (Marketing and finance)

abdulkadirphd@hotmail.com

Kuala Lumpur-Malaysia

When I was 6 Yrs Old : My father seems to know everyone

When I was 10 Yrs Old : My father is excellent but he is short tempered

When I was 12 Yrs Old : My father was nice when I was little

When I was 14 Yrs Old : My father started being too sensitive

When I was 16 Yrs Old : My father can’t keep up with modern time

When I was 18 Yrs Old : My father is getting less tolerant as the days pass by

When I was 20 Yrs Old : It is too hard to forgive my father, how could my Mum stand him all these years

When I was 25 Yrs Old : My father seems to be objecting to everything I do

When I was 30 Yrs Old: It’s very difficult to be in agreement with my father, I wonder if my Grandfather was troubled by my father when he was a youth

When I was 40 Yrs Old: My father brought me up with a lot of discipline, I must do the same

When I was 45 Yrs Old: I am puzzled, how did my father manage to raise all of us

When I was 50 Yrs Old : It’s rather difficult to control my kids, how much did my father suffer for the sake of upbringing and protecting us

When I was 55 Yrs Old: My father was far looking and had wide plans for us, he was gentle and outstanding. .

When I became 60 Yrs Old: My father is THE BEST

Note: it took 56 Yrs to complete the cycle and return to the starting point ‘My father is THE BEST ‘

She tells you she’ll accompany you to a dinner party, and she seems to really want to. Later on, though, she gets angry at you for having made her go. Sound familiar?

Men and women are very distinct creatures. While men have a tendency to be straightforward, women are often not so simple. When trying to understand what she really means, you are sometimes better off reading between the lines.

But don’t get disheartened just yet. The following cheat sheet with help you bridge the gap between what she means and what she says. From asking her out to being in a relationship to breaking up, the list below will equip you with all you need to know to understand what she’s really trying to tell you.

THE PURSUIT PHASE

She says: “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

What she means: I am not attracted to you, or I don’t feel enough chemistry to date you — but I do like you as friend.

Why she does this: She probably does want to remain friends, but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by admitting that she doesn’t feel the same attraction for you.

What you should do: Don’t take it personally; she just doesn’t feel the same chemistry as you do. Take the hint and work on being friends with her, if that’s what you want.

She says: “I’m just so busy with work right now.”

What she means: I am not interested in fitting you into my schedule.

Why she does this: She wants to let you down easy. Instead of being blunt, she is hoping you’ll just get the picture.

What you should do: When a woman likes a man, she will always find time for him — no matter what her schedule is like. So don’t kid yourself into thinking that the situation might change. Instead, move on right away.

She says: “Are you seeing anyone right now?”

What she means: I might like to submit an application for the position of your girlfriend.

Why she does this: She wants to make sure she is not wasting her precious flirting energy on a man who is already spoken for.

What you should do: Answer honestly, and then hit her up for her phone number.

Things she says during the dating phase and what they really mean

THE DATING PHASE

She says: “Do you really want to go to that restaurant/movie/dinner party?”

What she means: I really don’t want to go to.

Why she does this: She doesn’t want to go, but she doesn’t want to appear stubborn either. She is probably hoping you’ll sense her hesitation and come up with an alternate plan that pleases her.

What you should do: If you have your heart set on going to that particular destination, stick to your guns. Otherwise, you might want to switch up in order to please her. Remember this: If you keep her happy, she’ll keep you happy.

She says: “You have a knack for dealing with kids. They really seem to respond to you.”

What she means: I am contemplating eventually having children with you and am wondering where you stand in that department.

Why she does this: An indirect question is her way of feeling you out without freaking you out.

What you should do: Don’t freak out. She is probably thinking very distantly into the future (yes, women do this). If, however, you absolutely positively know that you never want kids, this would be a good time to say it.

She says: “Where is this relationship going?”

What she means: I would like us to graduate to a more serious, exclusive relationship.

Why she does this: She wants you to be the one to suggest exclusivity.

What you should do: This depends on whether or not you actually want exclusivity. If so, suggest it. If not, let her know that you care about her, but are not interested in being exclusive right now.

She says: “I feel so close to you right now. You know me so well.”

What she means: I am starting to feel the l-word, but I don’t want to be the first to say it.

Why she does this: It’s a scary thing to be the first to say “I love you.” It’s much easier for her to hint and hope that you’ll take the plunge first.

What you should do: Do not — under any circumstances — say the l-word if you don’t mean it. If you do feel it, then go ahead; otherwise, don’t say anything. In the long run, you’ll be happy not to get entangled in such a lie.

She says: “I feel like our relationship is stuck in a routine right now.”

What she means: I want you to be more romantic and spontaneous, and surprise me more. I need you to pay more attention to my needs.

Why she does this: She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings and admit that you are, in part, the cause of the rut.

What you should do: You don’t need to change your personality entirely, but it wouldn’t kill you to surprise her every once in a while. Call her out of the blue and tell her you’re taking her for dinner, go on a spontaneous weekend away, or just surprise her with her favorite chocolates.

What does it mean if she tells you some guy was flirting with her all night, if she asks whether you get along with your mother, and all those strange things she says when you’re breaking up

She says: “A man was flirting with me all night.”

What she means: Does it make you jealous?

Why she does this: She wants you to know that she’s a hot commodity and that other men are interested in her. She wants you to appreciate what you have.

What you should do: Don’t respond to it in a way she’ll expect, like by getting angry or jealous. Instead, pay her a compliment — she’s definitely fishing for it. Don’t get all insane with jealousy; just let her know what she means to you, or else she’ll be playing this card every so often to set you straight.

She says: “Do you get along well with your mother?”

What she means: Are you a family man

Why she does this: A man who gets along with his mother tends to be more loyal, sensitive and devoted — at least that’s the stereotype that a lot of women buy into.

What you should do: Talk about how close you and your mother are; you could even tell a couple of stories. Just enough to affirm that yes, you get along with her.

THE BREAKUP PHASE

She says: “I’m just not ready to make a commitment.”

What she means: I’m not ready to commit to you, and may never be.

Why she does this: She uses this tactic to soften the blow; nine times out of 10, this means that she doesn’t see a future with you… ever.

What you should do: Don’t stick around until she’s ready to make a commitment. Chances are, when she’s finally ready, it won’t be with you.

She says: “I think we should stay friends.”

What she means: I am trying to cut you out of my life gradually.

Why she does this: She thinks it would be easier to gradually stop seeing you instead of going cold turkey. She may even want to keep you around as a backup.

What you should do: Stay friends if you like. But don’t let yourself become the backup guy. If she wants to get back together down the line, ask yourself if she’s only doing it because she hasn’t found anyone else.

She says: “I’m not angry.”

What she means: I’m angry.

If she’s pursing her lips and not speaking to you, but claims she’s not angry, she’s probably bluffing. She could simply be bottling up her anger or she may think that her man should just know why she’s upset, without her having to tell him.

What you should do: Try to figure out why she’s upset and talk about it. The issue is not going to go away. In fact, if you don’t deal with it, she’ll just have bottled-up anger towards you and it’ll come back to bite you later.

She says: “I think of you as a brother.”

What she means: I’m not attracted to you.

It means she’s letting you know that she’s not into you, and may be it’s kinder than telling you the truth.

What you should do: In this case, just don’t make a move on her.

She says: “I like your friends, but…”

What she means: I don’t like your friends.

She doesn’t want to insult you or your friends, so she’s not telling you outright how much she dislikes them. She probably thinks they’re a bad company and wants you to hang out with them less.

What you should do: If she has a valid reason to dislike them, then you might take her concerns into consideration. Otherwise, simply tell her that your friends are equally important to you.

She says: “You don’t communicate enough.”

What she means: How do you feel about our relationship?

She wants to know what you feel where the relationship is going, but doesn’t want to come off as needy.

What you should do: Put her mind at ease and tell her what you think about the relationship.

She says: “Why don’t you try to kiss me like this?”

What she means: I don’t like the way you do it.

She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. But this is not all bad, she likes you enough to want to work at it and make it better.

What you should do: Try it her way and see how it goes.

She says: “I really like that guy’s hair.”

What she means: I don’t like yours.

She figures that it’s a lot nicer to hint at this than to tell you outright.

What you should do: Get a second opinion on your hair. She may be right. But, if your second opinion tells you otherwise, feel free to stick to your guns and your hairstyle. In that case, just pretend that you didn’t get her hint.

READ BETWEEN THE FEMALE LINES

By now, you should know that a woman’s words can be very loaded. Unlike a man, she often uses hints and insinuations to steer you in her direction. Her way isn’t necessarily better or worse than yours — just different. But after perusing the above list, you should be armed and ready for any curve balls she might send your way.

The end

Really very sad, kindly get a tissue before you read it, please. You might need it!

Introduction

All praise be to Allah alone and may Allah’s peace and blessing be upon our holy prophet Mohammad (BPUH).

We humans are created to live in pairs/couples and life is incomplete without one having the other. We grow up and then leave our families to form our own families naturally, where we expect to get special love, care, kindness, attention, understanding, support, fun and most important, a  responsible life partner. The lucky ones who are blessed by Allah get that, while the unfortunate others witness their living hell here in this world.

When relationships go wrong, the real victims and biggest losers are women for many obvious reasons like: their femininity, their raw emotions, their natural dependence not only financially but almost everything else on their men, especially the emotional support.   

A woman falls for a man, attaches her to him, believing it’s impossible to live without that special man, even sometimes leaving her family once and for all, for his sake, expecting he will be there for her for the rest of her life, protecting her from everything bad. THEN she gets disappointed, heartbroken and devastated miserably.

Sometimes “womanizers” come into their lives with short term dirty goals in mind but pretending to be real, nice and gentle men, fluttering them with all the outstanding treatment and sweet words. Unfortunately, most women believe them! When that happens, those men achieve their target and then change to their original personality, shocking their victims who see a different person altogether, too late for regrets.

There are women who got married, thinking that they got married to their ideal men whom they wished for, who later in life destroyed their life once and for all. Read carefully with full attention and you will understand what this means.

In her words, the real uncensored story

“I got married when I was 30, almost late in female terms- At least in my culture-; I thought I got the love of my life, the man I will spend happily with the rest of my life. Alhamdulillah; after a few years; Allah honured us with the gift of two children: a daughter and a son. My husband wasn’t educated and didn’t have someone to lean to, so he has to struggle for everything in life. Life was not easy but we knew and comfortable enough that he was doing all he can to give us all we need in life.

In those early years we used to live together and was lucky enough to share all those things both small and big, a family should share. We consulted with each other, when there is a problem and picking each other up when one of us is down and is in need of emotional support. Life was really so sweet, which is how it should be. But something changed dramatically and changed once and for all.

One night my husband came to me saying, “Life is getting worse day-by-day. Our family will have no future unless we make some changes and sacrifice a lot for the better,” he said; “I want to try and go abroad -the west- in search of a better life so that we can live the kind of life style our family deserves”. To me it seemed good idea. Since he was thinking and was ready to sacrifice for the betterment of our family, I gave him my full support and stood by him as a good wife will do.

After some hard work and making some contacts he finally and luckily got the chance and then went to a country in Europe. He immediately got a job. We all were happy. Our living standards got better BUT what will happen next will change my life, for the worse!

After some time, as a wife who needs her husband in all aspects of life, I started asking him when he will come back for us. He used to tell me, he’ll be back as soon as he gets the travel documents he needs in order to travel to us. Two years passed and he’s still telling us that the procedure of getting the proper documents in that country is very complex and hard, that is why he still didn’t have anything at all. I never doubted him, so I said to him, “We’ll wait for you, please do all that you can, because we missed you so much!”

One night, I got the shock of my life from a female friend of mine who was living in that country in the same area where he lives. She said “YOUR HUSBAND GOT MARRIED TO ANOTHER WOMEN!” Unfortunately! She was right. I really got upset and disappointed. All the sacrifices I was making are now in vain.

In the first few months of the news; it was horrible and no day passed without me thinking, crying and regretting. THAT was all I could do-or so I thought- I contemplated to divorce-especially when I was in complete anger and emotions. I didn’t want to get divorced, knowing the effects it might have on my kids and the situation my family was living at that time. I simply didn’t want to become a heavy burden on my family who was extremely poor.

After a series of consultations, I decided to do all I can other than going for divorce and told myself, that men married to more than one wife and I am not the only unfortunate woman this happened to, so I consoled myself to forget it, instead of taking my kids’ father away from their life. On the other hand, he did a lot to put water to fire like: buying gold for me, refurbishing the house & everything in it and tripling the money that we were taking as a monthly living cost.

After some time, I started asking about the same issue of whether he is willing to come back. Whenever I ask, he used to tell me with all the oaths that he has countless problems, of getting the much needed documents. Whenever I get upset because of that issue, he used to try all he can to cool me down and as a woman I used to accommodate and try to give him another chance. Giving him another chance continued for so long that I have become accustomed to my pain and ignored it completely, because he has everything, a job, a wife, a lot of kids and lives in a peaceful and well developed country. The fact is, he doesn’t need me, unfortunately! It’s just me who needs him. His two children whom we have together are ok since they have their mom with them and they get all the financial support they need from him. It is just me whose life is destroyed completely.

Fifteen years passed that way! I was young when I got my two kids; I could have many more kids –Which I wish I could-If given the chance to do so. Now I am 45years old. Unfortunately my whole female life is stripped and taken away from me completely and for a very long time. Because of the never ending stress, depression and tension, my look and appearance deteriorated and worsened, so with my health. I became extremely weak and too thin. Just looking into my appearance will tell you the agony I was in for 15years. I am too old now to get married to another man and may be too late to do so.

I feel he’s totally done with me now and doesn’t want me anymore as his wife. The only thing that matters to him now are his two children. May be that is the only reason why he’s keeping me “legally” as his wife so that they will grow with me till they become independent.

 I am emotionally, psychologically and physically destroyed and I don’t see a way out. THIS is completely different from the happy feelings, excitement, wishes, hopes and dreams I had when I was young and when I was getting married!

“QADDARALLAH, WAMAASHAA’A FA’AL”

Conclusion

In life no matter how smart and intelligent we think we are and how carefully we plan things, especially like one of the most important decisions of our lives: marriage and  how attentively we try to avoid bad things that might happen to us in life, Luck and destiny will prevail.

Having said that, it’s always great to be proactive instead of reactive and never too late to revise things early enough, so that you never feel that it’s too late. We should never ever accept our life to be a prison of life sentence just because of your life partner. You never know the better things that might happen to us if we get the courage and strength to face the challenges in life with determination and we move on for the better.

One thing which is very important in life that I realized through this story and many like it, is that “Family as a whole should always forgive and forget and never ever abandon their daughter(s) no matter how unfortunately; silly decisions they take against their parents, no matter if they choose their men against their parents when they were young, because when they become mature enough later or face a fate such as this story, they will realize what they have done was wrong and if the family abandons them then there is no place to run and no shoulder to cry and those men know this. They become a victim; a prey to those bad men and will be in a living hell for the rest of their lives which should not be the case. 

Acknowledgement

I really thank: Mohamed-Amin Abdi Osman “Amin Yare”, eng. Ali Mohamed Osman “Ali Nuur”.  Madam Hajjah Hayati Abd Hamid for revising the story and my classmate: Nafisa Mustafa Mohamed (Nova) who reviewed the story for corrections and discussed with me on the matters concerning the story in the light of her profession “Clinical Psychology”,

Dedication

I dedicate this story to all the mums who are suffering silently because of the negligence from the men they loved, trusted and relied upon but let them down-Their husbands.

Wabillaahi Towfiiq

Written by: Abdulkadir Mohamed Osman “Cabdiboqor”

PhD-Candidate

MBA (Marketing)

BBA (Marketing and finance)

abdulkadirphd@hotmail.com

Kuala Lumpur-Malaysia

Hordhac/Gogoldhig

Allaah ayaa mahad oo idil iska leh, nabadgalyo iyo naxariisina nabigeena Muxammad ah korkiisa Allaha yeelo.

Intaa kabacdi; aqristaha sharfida mudanoow, waxaa in badan su’aalo isoo weydiinayey asxaabtii aan uga soo tagey wadanka Pakistan iyagoo isoo weydiinayey bal in aan isbarbardhig ku sameeyo wadankii aan ka imid ee Pakistan iyo wadanka Malaysia, anigoo ka eegaya dhinacyo faraban oo ardeyda si gaar ah u khuseeysa. Waxaa sidoo kale e-maillo aan yareyn iisoo direy, walaalo Soomaaliyeed oo iyana meelo kala duwan jooga, daneynayana bal labadaa wadan midkii eey u waxbarasho doonan lahaayeen in aan ugu yaraan sawir guud ka siiyo.Waxaan qormadeena isbuucan isugu barbardhigi doonaa waxyaabihii aan kusoo arki jirey wadanka Pakistan ee aan wax kusoobartey iyo wadankan Malaysia ee aan waxbarashada kasii wado iyo sida waxyaalo farabadan eey ugu kala duwan yihiin. Qodobada aan ka hadli doono waxaa ka mid ah: Tayada jaamacadaha wadanka Malaysia iyo kuwa Pakistan, kuwa dowladaha (Public Universities) iyo kuwa gaarka loo leeyahay (Private Universities),waxa sababta u ah kala tayo wanaagsanaanta jaamacadahaa labada nuuc ah, anigoo wadankasta gaarkiisa u eegaya, iyo waxyaalo farabadan oo soo hoos galaya. Waxaan sidoo kale ka hadlidoonnaa Deeqaha waxbarasho ee laga helo labada wadanba, Nuucyadooda, sida looga kala helo iyo waxyaalo kaloo farabadan aadna muhiim u ah.

Waan jeclaan lahaa in aan wadankeeyga hooyo iyo wadamadaa aan qormadan kaga hadli rabo is barbardhigo, nasiib darrase! maalinteed ma joogo, waana Caloolyoow, Ciil iyo Murugo inteeda la eh, taasoo aan la wadaago Muwaadin kastoo Soomaliyee, meelkastaba hajoogee! Waase laga baxayaa Ilaaheey Idankii, goorey noqotaba.

Guud ahaan Tayada Jaamacadaha Malaysia iyo Kuwa Pakistan

Guuda ahaan marka laga hadlayo Jaamacadaha wadankan Malaysia waxaa loo qeybiyaa-Sida wadamada kalaba-: Jaamacado dowlada leedahay (Public Universities) iyo kuwo gaar loo leeyahay (Private Universities). Wadankan waxaa tayo ahaan wanaagsan jaamacadaha Dowlada leedahay marka loo barbardhigo kuwo gaarka loo leeyahay, waana waxa uu uga duwan yahay wadamada Mareykanka iyo xiyaa Pakistan-ba oo jaamacadaha Private-ku ka wanaagsanyihiin kana tayo badan yihiin kuwo Dowlada leedahay.

Dhinaca Malaysia

Jaamacadaha dowlada leedahay ee wadankan Malaysia, waxeey helaan taageero dhaqaale oo aad u xoogan oo eey siiso dowlada wadankan, oo laga soo bilaabo 2009-kii go’aansatey in eey noqoto “Xarun-Tacliimeed” aduunka oodhami cilmiga melkasta looga soo wada doonto.Wixii ka horeeyey 2009, waxaa la ogolaa tiro aad u yar oo ardeyda Shisheeye/Ajaanibta ah, rabtana heerarka sare ee jaamacadeed sida: Masters-ka iyo PhD-da. Nasiib wanaagse lagasoo bilaabo 2009-kii, waxaa albaabada loo furey xitaa kuwa heerka hoose ee jaamacadeed (Undergraduates), aadna loo kordhiyey tiradii ardeyda caalamiga aheyd (International Students) ee jaamacadaha qaadanjireen. Dowlada waxeey siisaa jaamacadaha muujiya tayo-wanaag dhaqaale xoogaan, waxeey u dhistaa una maal-galisaa xarumaha jaamacadeed, waxeey ku saacidaa Project-yo dhaqaale fiican eey ka helaan macallimiinta jaamacadaha iyo ardeyda Project-yadaas la qaadaadhiga macalimiintooda, sidaasna ku hela waxbarasho lacag la’aan ah oo waliba xoogaa dhaqaale ahna eey ku qaataan.Waxeey Dowlada sidoo kale fursad u siisaa jaamacadahaa tayo wanaaga la yimaada in eey ka yareeyso control-ka, fursadna u siiso in eey iskood u go’aansadaan waxyaalo markii hore dowlada u go’aamin jirtey. Waxaa waxkasta ugu muhiimsan in dowlada Malaysia aad u daneeyneeyso in eey qeyb ku yeelato liiska jaamacadaha Aduunka ugu wanaagsan, taasoo nasiib daro! Jaamacadaha ku yaala Caalamka Islaamka eeysan Shanta Boqol ee ugu sareeysan hal xitaa kasoo galin. Sidaa daraadeed waxeey dhaqaalo xoogan, maskax iyo dhiiro-galinba isugu dartaa jaamacadaha eey is leedahay wadanka wey usoo hoyinkaraan sharaftaa weyn. Malaysia waxeey galisey jaamacadaha qaar heerka Apex-ka, 5-ta sano ee soo socota sida: Jaamacada weyn ee USM iyo kuwa la midka ahba.

Dhinaca kale; jaamacadaha private-ka inkastoo kuwo aad u tayo wanaagsan eey ka buuxaan, hadana dhaqaalaha eey ardeyda ka helaan iyo wixii caalamka eey kasoo farsameeystaan ama eey dowladaba kasoo xeeladeeystaan ayey ku taaganyihiin. Jaamacado awood dowladeed la duldhigayo iyo kuwo iskood ha u dabaasheed la yiri ama taageero aan sinneyn la siinayo isku tayo ma noqonkaraan waana xaqiiqda meeshan taalla. Jaamacadahaas Private-ka iyana si eey marka dhaqaale ahaan isu kabaan, tayadoodana kor ugu qaataan, si fiicana isaga caabiyaan tartankaa kala dhexeeya jaamacadahaa dowlada leedahay, ayey waxeey aad u qaaliyeeyaan qarashaadka jaamacadaha, si waxyaabo farabadan ugu kabtaan, dabcan waxna uga helaan.

Dhinaca Pakistan

Wadanka Pakistan waxaa tayo wanaagsan jaamacadaha private-ka, maxaa yeeley wax saacidaad ah oo tayo le kama helaan dowlada, marka eey ka helaana waxa afka u dhigta afarta ugu sareeysa meesha-Ileyn waa wadan kaalinta 2-aad aduunka oo idil uga jira Musuqmaasuqee (Corruption)-, Wey yartahay in aad aragto dhaqaale la galinayo dayactirka iyo qalabeynta jaamacadaha dowlada, maxaa yeeley tubada ayaa si toos ah jeebab gaar ah u suran, hami aduunka jaamacadihiisa lagula tartamana haba sheegin. Waxaase intaas oo dhan kasii daran, maadaama mustaqbalka dhow iyo kan dheer ee wadanka eey ku hardamayaan dhamaan ururada siyaasadeed ee wadanka Pakistan ka jira, waxeey si hagar la’aan ah ugu dadaalaan in eey qeybta ugu badan ka helaan ardeyda dhigata jaamacadaha, sidaa daraadeed urur kasta ee siyaasadeed wuxuu ku leeyahay jaamacadaha dowlada leedahay, garab ardey (Student Wing) oo nasiib darrase “Hubeysan!”, waxaa sidoo kale jira gangs hogaamiya qeybaha ardeyda loona yaqaan (Shaarbo weynayaal) kuwaasoo hadeey rabaad jaamacadaha si qasab ah ku fasaxa, imtixaanad dib u dhiga, mararka qaar iyadoo loo fadhiyo warqadaha jeexjeexa ardeyda dhamaana ku qasba in eey sidoo kale yeelan, mudaharaad carqaladeyn ah marka eey rabaan jaamacadaha ku sameeya, Listiga eey rabaan loo baasiyo ama ogolaasho (admission) loosiiyo. Waa iska caadi Pakistan in aad maqasho jaamacad heblaayo waxeey xirnaaneeysaa mudo intaa la eg oo waxaa ku dagaalamay labada urur oo tiro intaa la egna isaga diley! Bal malee jaamacad lagu leeyahay saacado ama maalin dhan ayaa xabad ka socotaa! Waxaa xusid mudan in markii uu qabtey Gen. Perves Musharraf talada wadanka Pakistan uu cagta mariyey dhamaan gangs-kaas, nasiib darasse isagana wuxuu u Toqfal-dalooliyey, mararka qaarna xoojiyeyba kuwii eey isku isir kasoo wada jeedeed ee Muhaajiriintii India ka timid, garabkoodii ardeyda ee “All Pakistan Muttahidda Students Organization (APMSO)” ee hoostaga urur weynaha siyaasadeed ee “Muttahida Quami Movement (MQM)”.

Jaamacadaha gaarka loo leeyahay (Private-ka) Mushkiladaa iyaga ma heysato, laba arin darteed: A-Waa tan koobaade; iyadoo tirade ardey ee jaamacadahaa gaarka loo leeyahay aad uga yaryihiin kuwo jaamacadaha dowlada, taasoo keeneeysa in ururada siyaasadeed wax weyn eeysan ugu fadhinin. B-In dadka hogaanka u ah jaamacadahaa Private-ka eeysan ku imaanin rabitaanka ururada siyaasadeed ee wadanka, maadaama ardeyda lagu tartamayana maalgalin dhinackasta ah ayey ku sameeyaan, taasoo u saamaxdey in eey ka tayo wanaagsanaadaan kuwo dowlada leedahay.

Helitaanka Waxbarasho lacag la’aan ah “Scholarships”

Dhinaca Malaysia

Helitaanka waxbarasho lacag la’aan ah waa waxyaalaha wadankaan uu wadamo farabadan uga fiican yahay, waa hubaal in ardey badan ee Soomaaliyeed daneyneyso, maadaama wadankeena iska faqiiryahay hadana sii burburey, eey jiraana waalidiin iyo ardey farabadan oo hamigii waxbarasho uu ku jiro, nasiibdarase! dhaqaalihii la’ oo aan garaneyn meel eey ka keenaan.

Wadankan Malaysia waxaa deeqahaas waxbarasho looga helaa nuucyo farabadan oo kala duwan, waxeeyna kala yihiin sidan:1-Waxaa jira deeqo waxbarasho oo dowlada si toos ah u bixiso oo wazaarada waxbarashada looga xareysto/dalbado lana siiyo ardeyda caalamka. 2-Waxaa sidoo kale jira waxyaalo la dhoho Grant oo ah: area dowlada rabto in baaritaan lagu sameeyo (Research) taasoo jaamacadaha karikara loosoo dhiibo, iyagana Professors-ka aqoonta iyo khibrada u leh usii dhiibaan, marka ardeygii nasiib leh ee professor-kaas iyo Jaamacadaba is fahmaan, wuxuu sidaa ku helayaa deeq waxbarasho heerka PhD-daba ha u badnaadeene, waliba uu dhaqaale fiican ku qaadanayo. 3-Waxaa sidoo kale jirta in jaamacadaha bixiyaan shaqo macallinimo iyo deeq waxbarasho oo isla socota, waxaa la helaa hadii ardeyga buundooyinkiisii Masters-ka sareeyaan, tayo iyo firfircooni gaar ahna uu muujiyo-waase qof iyo nasiibkiis. 4-Waxaa sidoo kale jira machadyo raba in eey caalamka guud ahaan, gaar ahaana caalamka Islaamka ka dhisaan taqasusyo gaar ah, tusaale ahaan: Islamic Banking and finance, taasoo bankiga dhexe ee Malaysia uu dhaqaale kubixiyo, ardeygii nasiibkiisa Allaah ka dhigo wuxuu sidaa ku heli karaa waxbarasho tayo leh oo hadana bilaash/lacag la’aan ah. 5-Waxaa sidoo kale jira deeqo waxbarasho oo eey dowlada Malaysia siiso wadamada caalamka, nasiib darrase dhinaca Soomaaliya waxaa ka dhameysta dad si farsameysan kusoo furdaansada kabacdina ka ganacsada iyagoo “Qaab aan qurxooneyn” u qeybiya oo ka gata oo kaliya dadka “Dad ugu dhow”. 6-Waxaa sidoo kale jira hey’ado iyo shirkado ganacsi oo gudaha ah (Local) iyo kuwo caalami ah (International) intaba oo iyagana bixiya deeqo waxbarasho, waloow ardeyda la siiyo ama helaa eey u badan yihiin ardeyda “Malay-ga” iyo kuwa kale ee wadanka u dhashay sida: Hindiyaanka iyo Jeeyniiska, hada fanfaniin ayaa kasoo gaara ardeyda ajaanibta. Intaas waxaa kuusii dheer deeqaha waxbarasho ee jaamacad kasta gaarkeeda u siiso ardeyda waxbarashada ku wanaagsan, taasoo u dhaxeeysa in gabi ahaanba laga dhaafo lacagta, bar/haaf ama percentage loogu tala galay taasoo ku xiran hadba sharciga u dagsan jaamacada ee la xiriirta buundooyinka ardeyga keeno, kaalinta uu ka galo dufcada (batch-ka) wax la barata iyo waxa uu muteeysanayo in la siiyo. Intaas iyo in kale oo deeqo waxbarasho ah ayaa laga helaa wadankan Malaysia, waxeeyse ku xirantahay dadaalka ardeyga ee ah: raadinta wararka quseeya deeqahaas, buuxinta shuruudaha looga baahanyahay iyo ugu dambeyn nasiibkiisa. Waa hubaal wixii Allaah kuu qorey in aadan weyneynin, dadaalkase waa muhiim, si bini’aadamka horumar u gaaro ama ugu talaabsado.

Dhinaca wadanka Pakistan

Marka laga hadlayo wadanka Pakistan, nuuca kaliya ee deeq wabarasho wax lagu sheegi karaba ee Soomaalida hesho waa tan laga helo dhinaca Safaarada Soomaalida ee ku taalla Islaamabaad ee caasimada wadanka Pakistan. Dowlada Pakistan-Mahadi haka gaartee-Waxeey inta badan sanadkasta ugu deeqdaa ummada Soomaaliyeed deeqo waxbarasho oo farabadan, nuucyo kala duwana isugu jirta.Waxaa ugu caansan Medicine-ka iyo Engineering-ka. Inkastoo bilaash/lacag la’aan in lagu bixiyo loogu tala galay amaanadaa, hadana Safaarada ayaa waxeey ardeyda ka qaadaa lacag, maadaama eeysan heysan/jirin dowlada Soomaaliyeed oo eey wax ka hesho-Waa sida safaarada u micneysee- lacagahaas eey ku magacoowdo safaraada “Ijaarka iyo Korontada Safaarada” Inkastoo safaf dhadheer loogu wada jiro, “Wadooyin farabadanna” loosoo maro, hadii nasiibkaada noqdo meeshaas waxbaa laga helaa. Wixii intaas kasoo hara waa iska “Kismaayo iyo Kistaada”! Qarashaadkaada ayaad wax ku baraneeysaa, waxeeyse ku fiican tahay, waxaad heleysaa jaamacado dhaqaalahaada uu iska xijin karo. Guud ahaanse jaamacada dowlada waa iska raqiis marka loo barbardhigo kuwo gaarka looleeyahay ee Private-ka ah.

Gabagabo iyo gunaanad

Waxa ugu muhiimsan waa dadaal iyo war ururin, adigoo wax weydiinaya dadka ehelka u ah ee meeshaas mudo dheer joogey oo waliba ah dadka meelaha galgala, wax uun raadiya. Waa hubaal in eey jiraan dad wadanka mudo dheer ku noolaa hadana ka dhaga xiran fursadaha ka jira wadankaa kana ah “Lax Dhukan Col iyo Abaar moog!”. Hadii ardeyga dadaalo, shuruudaha looga baahanyahayna isku dayo in uu buuxiyo, una “Istikhaareeysto” oo Allaah dhab u baryo, Insha Allaah waxaan rajeeynayaa in uusan waxba weyneynin.

Afeer

Qormadan waa wanaag-doonis iyo dadaal oo kaliya ee fadlan badi war ururinta iyo tashiga oo qoraalkan oo kaliya go‘aan ha ku qaadan/gaarin. Wixii khalad ah ee qoraalka uu leeyahay nuuckasta ha ahaadeene, waxaa mas‘uuliyadeeda iska leh aniga oo kaliya. Waxaan soo dhaweynayaa si Kal iyo Laab ah, waxkasta oo su‘aalo, sixid, talo iyo tusaaleynba ah. Fadlan adoo mahadsan iigu soo dir e-mailka hoos ku qoran.

Wabillaahi Towfiiq

W/D: Cabdulqaadir Maxamed Cismaan “Cabdiboqor”

PhD-Candidate

MBA (Marketing)

BBA (Marketing and finance)

abdulkadirphd@hotmail.com

Kuala Lumpur-Malaysia

Lasoco qeyta (Qeybtii: 5-aad) Isbuuca soo socda, Haduu Allaah Idmo.

who are also trying to share both physical and mental space in each other’s worlds is enough to cause an argument this question can be answered in one simple word. Power.

While statistics show that couples argue about money more than anything else, the truth is everything two people argue about – whether they are married or not, school yard friends or family is a matter of having, regaining and holding onto personal power. Sad, but true!

If you take a look at nature and the animal kingdom, you can easily see how power struggles seem to commence every disagreement known to wildlife or man. The struggle for power is what drives war and it is exactly what drives couples to argue.

The bottom line is that every person loves to be agreed with. It is human nature to feel elated and justified when someone else feels as you do. If you were to take a worldwide poll about any subject, you would immediately side with the people who agreed with you, whether you liked them or not. So in couple hood, whether to watch the newest edition of 24 or American Idol is about having the power to be agreed with.

In other words, to be right. In marriage or partnerships success cannot be bound to being agreed with at all times. Your partner is a completely different person with patterns of thoughts that are deeply engrained and they are not going to agree with you on everything. Thinking otherwise is immature and breeds trouble. You are also not going to hold the “power” in the relationship to decide and make the rules without starting a war; silent or otherwise. Caution goes to those who try to make others agree with them and who place their happiness and power in always being right.

There are millions of hurdles in relationships. However, thinking that you know someone else so well or feeling so positioned in your opinions that you feel they can go without question is a personality flaw all your own. It would be like using a map of Canada to navigate the United States. You will get nowhere.

Why couples argue is because more often then not, one person feels they are right. If your husband hung out with friends after work and you feel strongly that this isn’t appropriate – you have engaged in a power struggle to be right. If you are arguing about money, it is about who has the power. The thing is that each person holds a power all their own and it doesn’t have to be agreed upon by something or someone else in order to be validated. Or at least it shouldn’t. What makes relationships so exciting is that you allow your self to love someone who is different than you, and embrace those differences whether you agree with them or not.

Some issues may be serious. Relationship experts indicate that most couples argue over the same thing time and time again. For instance, you may be hurt that your partner is not as romantic as you feel they should be. Each and every time you argue about what groceries to buy, money, housework or where to go on vacation, you are really arguing about the fact that your partner is not romantic enough for you.

In your own head, you have decided that real and true love is obvious and that PDA is appropriate. You have built a pattern of thought that thinks “if he/she loved me, they would do this…” or “if they loved me they would see how important this is to me.” You are really arguing over the power to be right. Try as you may, you can’t change people and very few will live up to every expectation that you have of how things should be. Sometimes, you have to take things for what they are and realize that no one – not even your mate – has the power to make you feel one way or the other. It is only you reacting out of your own power struggle and insecurities that does this.

When you understand this completely and can be happy even when you don’t feel powerful, you can truly be in a relationship that is fulfilling and honest.

Another reason why couples argue is because very few use their words with integrity. How many times have you planned an argument, or written a letter to your significant other with a “plan” in mind. This time, you want to be heard; you want them to know everything you feel and have to say.

Why don’t you just say it? If people could learn, especially in marriages to be honest from the beginning and to stop sugar coating their thoughts and words to make them ‘agreeable” to someone else – arguments would not last long. For instance, if it completely irritates you that your spouse doesn’t initiate sex, why don’t you just say “You need to initiate sex more!” Leave it at that. Instead, feelings get hurt and you feel like your ‘power’ has been taken away.

More than likely, few of us are mind readers. You may think you know what someone else is thinking but this ‘knowledge’ is based on you – not them. It goes back to using the wrong map.

To save time, irritation and the relationship – letting go of the need to be validated, to be right and to hold the power to change someone else based on what you think combined with succinct honesty can keep couples from arguing and building up walls of resentment. You aren’t going to like everything about your spouse. Sometimes, you won’t like anything about them and you will wonder how you ever believed you were compatible.

But take a breath and minute to step back and see what sort of power and need to be right you are really arguing back. Then readjust your position and be honest with your words. The result will be happier and healthier relationships – still not free of arguments- but at least free of personal struggles for power.

Source:F S

“Ogoow quruxi waa diin, dawo guurna waa samir” halku dhiggaas kore waxa uu cinwaan u yahay gabaygan lagu ammanayo hablaha muslimaadka ah ee jirkooda u daboolay sidii ilaahey u dooray, dhanka kalane abwaanku wuxuu kaaga digayaa kuwa caariyaadka ah ee aan u labisan sidii Alle (SWT) u amray.

Gabayga:

dadku magaca guud iyo

dusha waa ka siman yahay

misna kala Damiir roon,

dariiqaad mareysiyo

lama diidi karo calaf,

haddana dood  kalaa tiri

Dammanihii hurdaayaa

Dibi dhalay Saciisuye

illeyn Doqoni calaf maleh.

****************************

Warse waxaad ku deydaa

derejada Illaahey

ruux dadaala baa hela,

adna daahir saaxiib

Guur-Doon haddaad tahay

aan kula dardaarmee

ha igu diidin waanada,

Dab nimaan ku joogsanin

Dambas kama fogaadee.

Biyo waxa la doogtaa

inta Roobku da’ayee

dulucdu yey ku dhaafine

dulka Dhegaha maqalkiyo

i amaahi dareenka.

****************************

Daa’iman rag iyo dumar

Allaa nolol isugu daray

qofna kali ma degi karo,

dunida raaxadeeduna

Marwo kaa dambeysiyo

waa Lammaane daacada.

****************************

Deyra yey ku raacine

intaan hooy lawada degin,

midda damacu kaa galay

Dabar iyo Hogaan iyo

hubso Diin ma leedahay.

****************************

Da’da maanta joogtiyo

ogoow dumarku waa laba,

Degga rabbi hanuunshoo

ka dahiran xumaanoo,

daacad kuugu adeegtoo

Dar ilaah kuu adeecda,

iyo Deysan kheyrkiyo

Xaqqa laga dabooloo

damiirkiyo xishoodkiyo

ka maran Dux iyo Iimaan

kala dooro labadaas.

****************************

Dantii mooge weligiis

Dabin kama fogaadee

Daahiroow ubadkaaga

hooyo fiican u door,

Abaar diirataa iyo

qofna Dab iyo meel kulul

Doog iyo Xareed iyo

Har ku doorsan maayee,

dumarkaa xijaabane

sidii ilaaheey u dooray

u daboolay jirkooda

mid ka dooro saaxiib,

ogoow quruxi waa diin

dawo Guurna waa samir.

****************************

Kuwa damacu waalee

midabkoodii doorshee

difaacii jirkoodiyo

iska diiray maqaarkee

dabka saari karin Shaah

damac yaanu kaa gelin,

Caariyaadka diriciyo

marada dacalka feeydane

nin kastaahi daawado

dadka kama xigtide joog.

****************************

Daawashada Aflaantiyo

Damman hees iyo muusik

danteedii ku iloowday,

Dulmi iyo Xan mooyee

ka maran Dux iyo Iimaan,

Dooqeeygaa ku raaciyo

dadkaan kuugu jecelahay,

daraadaa ma seexdoo

anaa adiga kaa daran,

dhowr maalin dabadeed

xiisuhu markuu demo

Dacar noqoy jaceylkii

Dudumo wehel ma noqotee.

****************************

Muran iyo Dagaal iyo

adaan dunida kuunacay

Ifur ku dooni maayee

I maqashii Dalaaqada,

Ilaaheey ku dooriye

Madaxeyga ii daa,

Eray derisku soo baxo

waxaa kaaga Duug roon

inaad Doob ahaatee,

Qalbigii daxaleysta

Waanadu ma deeqdee

ka durug labada daarood

midna darajo malahane,

guri dumay ma fududee.

****************************

Deyra yey ku raacine

intaan guri lawada degin

midda Damacu kaa galay

Dabar iyo Hogaan iyo

hubso Diin ma leedahay.

****************************

Dadka kii ilaaheey

kheyr ladoono dhammaantii

diintuu waafajiyaahe

dumarkaa xijaabane

sidii ilaaheey u dooray

u daboolay jirkooda

mid ka dooro saaxiib,

ogoow Quruxi waa diin

Dawo Guurna waa Samir.

****************************

Daruur soo Hillaacdiyo

Dayaxoo Habeen bara

Sacab lama dul saaree,

xuural ceynta dunidiyo

Duca qabooyinka dhowrsan

Duruuftii ku haysiyo

Danta kuguma nacayaan,

Deyro iyo Saluug maleh,

Dembi iyo Xasarad ma leh,

Dood iyo Qilaaf maleh,

wax Islaamku diidayne

Damiirkoodu ma ogola,

daartii la geeyana

marna Nuurku kama damo,

Ducadiyo adkaartana

kama daalo afkoodu,

Munkar iyo Durbaan iyo

Aroos looma soo digo,

Daaw dhaafka guriyo

ma ogola Daf iyo Miriq,

guriga Daaradiisiyo

Duruustiyo Tacliintiyo

dugsiga kama fogaadaan,

degenaanta Ddebtiyo

Samirkiyo Dulqaadkana

Qalbigaa ku diirsada,

dugsi lagu nagaadiyo

Derin aad ku gama’diyo

soo dhaweyn ku deeqdiyo,

daryeel aad ku qanacdiyo

Xormo ruux aad dabaqdiyo,

Daacad kuu adeegtiyo

Deymo aad ku faraxdiyo,

dibno hadal macaan iyo

Gacan dabacsan naxariis

kuwa loogu Doow galay

nin helaa ma daayee,

****************************

Dadkoo jiifa badankii

intaan Shiikhu Daakirin

Biyo Diiran oo kulul

marwo kuu diyaarida,

dar Allaan ku dhaartaye

midkii loogu daro calaf

liibaanta dunidiyo

daarta aakhiroow helay,

dumarkaa Xijaabane

sidii ilaaheey u dooray

u daboolay jirkooda

mid ka dooro saaxiib,

ogoow quruxi waa diin

dawo guurna waa samir.

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The End

KAKUMA, 21 June 2010 (IRIN) – Fatuma Mohammed, a refugee from Somalia, has been living with her six children in a camp in Kakuma, northwest Kenya, since March 2006. She told IRIN how her husband had tried to sell her then 14-year-old daughter into marriage.

“One day a middle-aged man from our community came knocking on my door asking for my daughter. When I asked him why he wanted to see her he said, ‘She belongs to me, she is my wife’.

“I looked at the man with astonishment; he pushed me into the house, went up to my daughter, grabbed her by the arm and tried to walk away with her.

“The man kept on saying he had agreed on this with my husband but I just thought he was mad. My four boys were at home and managed to scare the man away, saving my daughter from being abducted.

“I went immediately to the police to report the incident and when my husband came back I told him what had happened. I was afraid of his answer but somehow confident he would have sorted out the misunderstanding.

“I could not believe my ears when I heard him saying the man was right and that he had agreed with the family elders to sell our girl into marriage in exchange for US$4,000. He started shouting at me, saying he was the head of the family and wanted this man to support us.

“Marriage is nothing about love, he said, it is a resource to secure the future.

“My maternal grandmother and all her sisters were married off in their adolescence to older men but this is not what I wanted for my daughter. We left Somalia to give my kids an education and better life.

“Having been reported to the police, my husband ran away from the camp with the money. Ever since, we have been facing problems with the community and with the family of the man who paid for my daughter. The man wants either his money back or my daughter. His family threatens to kill us. Our neighbours spit on me when I walk down the street.

“For the past four years, Fihman has never left our house. She is not going to school and has been rejected by the community; she has no friends any more. She isn’t living the life an 18-year-old girl should be living.

“I don’t have any money to pay them back. But for nothing in this world would I ever give him my daughter even though she may end up being a spinster in a society where marriage is basically expected of everyone.”
———-
Source:- IRIN

2. Dress pleasantly/attractively. If you are a home-maker, don’t stay in your sleeping suit all day.

3. Smell good!

4. Don’t lay out all your problems on your husband as soon as he walks in. Give him a little mental break.

5. Don’t keep asking him, “What are you thinking?”

6. Stop nagging non-stop before Allah ta’ala gives you something really to complain about.

7. Absolutely no talking about your spousal problems to anyone you meet, not even under the pretense of seeking help! If you think you want to solve legitimate marital issues, then go seek counseling with the right person who can give advice in either:

8. Be kind to your mother-in-law the same way you would like your husband to be kind to your own mother.

9. Learn all the rights and obligations of each other in Islam. Focus on fulfilling your obligations, not demanding your rights

10. Race to the door when he comes home, as if you were waiting for him. Smile and hug him.

11. Keep your house clean, at least to the level that he wants it.

12. Compliment him on the things you know he’s not so confident about (looks, intelligence, etc.) This will build his self-esteem.

13. Tell him he’s the best husband ever.

14. Call his family often.

15. Give him a simple task to do at home and then thank him when he does it. This will encourage him to do more.

16. When he’s talking about something boring, listen and nod your head. Even ask questions to make it seem like you’re interested.

17. Encourage him to do good deeds.

18. If he’s in a bad mood, give him some space. He’ll get over it, inshaAllah.

19. Thank him sincerely for providing you with food and shelter. It’s a big deal.

20. If he’s angry with you and starts yelling, let him yell it out while you’re quiet. You will see your fight will end a lot faster. Then when he’s calm, you can tell him your side of the story and how you want him to change something.

21. When you’re mad at him, don’t say “YOU make me furious”, rather, “This action makes me upset”. Direct your anger to the action and circumstance rather than at him.

22. Remember that your husband has feelings, so take them into consideration.

23. Let him chill with his friends without guilt, especially if they’re good guys. Encourage him to go out, so he doesn’t feel “cooped up” at home.

24. If your husband is annoyed over a little thing you do (and you can control it), then stop doing it. Really.

25. Learn how to tell him what you expect without him having to guess all the time. Learn to communicate your feelings.

26. Don’t get mad over small things. It’s not worth it.

27. Make jokes. If you’re not naturally funny, go on the internet and read some jokes, and then tell them to him.

28. Tell him you’re the best wife ever and compliment yourself on certain things you know you’re good at.

29. Learn to make his favorite dish.

30. Don’t ever, EVER talk bad about him with friends or family unnecessarily. If they end up agreeing with you, you will see that it hits you back in the face because you get more depressed that you have a bad husband–and other people also think you have a bad husband.

31. Use your time wisely and get things accomplished. If you’re a home-maker, take online classes and get active in your community. This will make you happy and a secondary bonus is that it impresses your husband.

32. Do all of the above fee sabeelillah and you will see Allah put barakah in everything you do.

33. Husband and wife should discuss and communicate with wisdom with each other to convey what they like and dislike of each other to do or not to do. Do NOT give commands or instructions like he’s your servant. “They are garment to each other” [Surah Baqarah, 2:187]

34. Tell your husband you love him, many, many times. Aisha (RC) narrated that the Prophet (SCW) used to ask her how strong her love for him, she said like “a knot.” And the next time he would ask her, “How is that knot?” He also used to reply to her saying, “Jazzakillah, O Aishah, wallahi, you have not rejoiced in me as I have rejoiced in you.”

35. Have a race with your husband and let him win, even if you are much fitter and stronger than him.

36.Keep fit and take care of your health so you will remain a strong mother, wife, cook and housekeeper, inshaAllah you will not get FAT and frumpy.

37. Refine and cultivate good mannerisms i.e do not whine, don’t laugh or talk too loud or walk like an elephant.

38. Do not leave the house without his permission and certainly not without his knowledge.

39. Make sure all his clothes are clean and pressed so he is always looking fresh and crisp.

40. Don’t discuss important/controversial matters with him when he is tired or sleepy. Find right time for right discussion.

41. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

42. Always let him know that you appreciate him working and bringing home the “dough”. It makes it easier for him to go to work.

43. Make sure you ALWAYS have something for dinner.

44. Brush your hair, everyday.

45. Don’t forget to do laundry.

46. Surprise him with gifts. Even necessities, such as new shoes, can be gifts.

47. Listen to him. (Even when he talks about extremely boring things like basketball or computers.)

48. Try (hard as it might be) to take interest in his hobbies.

49. Try not to go shopping too much … and spend all his money.

50. Look attractive and be seductive towards him. Flirt with him.

51. Learn tricks and “techniques” to please your husband in intimacy. (Of course goes both ways.)

52. Prepare for special evenings with him with special dinner and exclusive time (no children permitted).

53. Take care of your skin, especially your face. The face is center of attraction.

54. If you not satisfied intimately, talk to him and tell him. Help him or provide resources, don’t wait until matters become worse.

55. Ask Allah to strengthen and preserve the bonds of compassion and love between the two of you, every day and every prayer. Ask him to protect that bond from Shaytaan. When a lesser devil destroys the love between spouses, he is the most beloved of Shaytaan. Nothing works like du’ah, and love only exists between spouses where Allah instills it.

56. Don’t EVER compare your husband’s to other husbands! For example don’t say, “well her husband doesn’t do that, why do you …” (thats a killer!)

57. Be happy with what you have because no one is perfect. If you want perfection, wait until you enter Jannah together inshaAllah–and of course, vice versa!

58. Strive for Allah’s love first and foremost! If all wives try to seek Allah’s love and pleasure, surely, they can keep their husbands love too. And remember–if Allah loves you, the angels will love you, and the entire creation will love you.

59. If you pack a lunch for your husband to take to work, from time to time sneak in a little love note or sweet poem. If he doesn’t take a lunch, leave the note somewhere else for him to find, like in his briefcase, or wallet or on the car steering-wheel

60. Wake him up for Qiyam ul-Layl (in the last third of the night) and ask him to pray with you.

End

May Allah preserve all of our marriages and help us understand and implement them in and with the best of manners, ameen!

Source: Justice Abubakar Musa

1. Make her feel secure; (sakina- tranquility) QUIT BEING AGGRESSIVE

2. When you go home say ‘Assalamu’alaikum. ‘ (Greetings) It kicks the shaitaan out of your home!

3. Prophet (saw) described the wife as a fragile vessel and said to take care of this vessel that’s fragile. Remember that there is goodness in this vessel so treat it gently.

4. When you advise her, do so in privacy, in a peaceful environment. NOT IN PUBLIC as it’s a type of slandering.

5. Be generous to your wife- it keeps her LOVE

6. Move and let her have your seat. It will warm her heart.

7. AVIOD ANGER. HOW? Keep your wudu at all times. Prophet (S.A.W) said if your angry, sit down, if you’re sitting, then lie down. Follow the sunnah!

8. Look good and smell great for your wife. IT keeps the LOVE!

9. Don’t be rigid. It will break you. Prophet Mohammed – Sallal lahu Aleihi Wasallam (SAW means “May the blessings and the peace of Allah be upon him” (Muhammad).) said ‘I am the best amongst you and I am the best to my wife’. Being rigid and harsh will not bring you close to Allah and neither does it make you more of a man.

10. Listen to your wife-BE a GOOD LISTENER

11. YES to flattering NO to arguing. Arguing is like poison in a marriage. Al zawai said ‘When Allah (swt) wants evil for people He will leave them to argue amongst themselves’.

12. Prophet (saw) said to call your wives with the best name, any name she loves to hear. Prophet Mohammed (saw) called Aisha ‘ya Aish’ as an endearment.

13. Give her a pleasant surprise. I.e. if she loves watermelon, bring her one out of the blue. It will grow the love in her heart.

14. Preserve your tongue! Prophet (saw) said the tongue will throw people in the hell fire so watch what you say and how you say it!

15. All of us have shortcoming. Accept her shortcoming and Allah (swt) will put barakh in your marriage.

16. TELL her you appreciate her. SHOW her you appreciate her.

17. Encourage her to keep good relation with her relative, her mum and dad etc.

18. Speak with her with a topic of HER interest.

19. In front of her relative praise her. Confirm/ realize that she is wonderful, and that she is a good person in front of her family.

20. Give each other gifts. You will love each other more. Prophet (saw) said gifts increases love.

21. Get rid of the routine once in a while, surprise her with something, it will get rid of the rust and polish it!

22. Husnul zaan- We have a demand from Allah (swt) that we have to think good of people. Think good of your spouse.

23. Ignore some of her mistakes- pretend you did not see/hear some of her small mistakes. It was a practice of Ali (RA). It’s like putting a hole in your memory. Don’t save it in your memory!

24. Increase the drops of patience, especially when she is on her monthly period.

25. Expect and respect her jealousy. Even Aisha (ra) used to get jealous.

26. Be humble. If your profession is good, respect that she is looking after your children, she is much more than you, she is the leader at home, her strength is your strength, and her success is your successes.

27. Don’t put your friends above your wife.

28. Help your wife at home. Prophet (saw) used to help his wives at home and he was the best of creation. He used to sew his own clothes.

29. Help her respect your parents, you can’t force her to love them, but she can be helped to gradually love them.

30. Show your wife she is the ideal wife.

31. Remember your wife in your duaas. It will increase the love and protect it.

32. Leave the past. It brings nothing but pain and grief. It’s not your business. The past is for Allah (swt).

33. Don’t try to show her that you are doing her a favor by doing something, like buying food for the house, because in reality we are the courier of sustenance, not the providers, as Allah is the provider. It’s also a way of being humble and thankful to Allah (swt)

34. Shaitaan is your enemy, not your wife. Sometime when husband and wife are talking a fight breaks out, then shaitaan is present there as a third person so he is the real enemy. It is not enough to hate the shaitaan, but you have to see him as an enemy as Allah has commanded. Shaitaan loves divorce. HE comes everyday and sits office and asks the devils what they have done, some say i have made a person steal, or i have made someone drink etc. And one devil will say i have made a man divorce his wife, and he is crowned as the one who has done the best job.

35. Take the food and put it in her mouth. Prophet (saw) taught us this. It’s a blessing. The food doesn’t just go to her stomach, but straight to her heart. It increases the love and mercy between you.

36. Protect your wife from the evil of the shaitaan and mankind. She is like a precious pearl that needs protecting from the envy of human devils and shitaan.

37. Show her your smile. Smile at your wife. IT’S A CHARITY.

38. Small problems/ challenges can become a big problem. Or if there is small thing she didn’t like and you keep repeating them anyway, it will create a wall between you. Don’t ignore them as it can become big.

39. Avoid being harsh hearted and moody. Allah said of prophet (saw) ‘if you were harsh hearted they (the companions) would have left you.’ It confirms prophet (saw) was not harsh hearted, so GET RID OF IT.

40. Respect her thinking. It’s strength for you. Show you like her thoughts and suggestions.

41. Help her to achieve her potential and help her to dig and find success within as her success is your success.

42. Respect the intimate relationship and its boundaries. Prophet (saw) said she is like a fragile vessel and she needs to be treated tenderly. Sometime she may not be feeling well; you must respect and appreciate that feeling.

43. Help her to take care of the children. Some men think it makes them appear less of a man but in fact it makes you appear a bigger man and more respected, especially in the sight of Allah (swt).

44. Use the gifts of the tongue and sweet talk her. Tell her she looks great, be an artist. Pick and choose gifts of the tongue.

45. Sit down and eat with her and share food with her.

46. Let her know you are travelling. Don’t tell her out of the blue as it’s against Islam. Tell her the date/ time of when you are coming back also.

47. Don’t leave the house as soon as trouble brews.

48. The house has privacy and secrecy. Once you take this privacy and secrecy to your friends and family you are in danger of putting a serious hole in your marriage. This secrecy stays home. Islam is against leaving them out like a garage sale for anyone to come and pick and choose.

49. Encourage each other for ibadah, i.e. plan a trip for hajj or umrah together. It increases and strengthens the love when you help each other perform a good deeds together i.e, do tahajuud together, or go to a dars together etc.

50. Know her rights, not only written in paper but engraved in your heart and engraved in your conscious.

51. Allah( swt) said ‘live with your wives in kindness.’ Treat them with kindness and goodness. It means in happy times and in sadness treat her with goodness and fairness.

52. Prophet (saw) showed that at the time of intimacy. Don’t jump on your wife like an animal!

53. When you have a dispute with your wife don’t tell everyone. It’s like leaving your wounds open to germs so be careful who you share your problems and disputes with.

54. Show your wife you really care for her health. Good health of your wife is your good health. To care for her health shows her that you love her.

55. Don’t think you are always right. No matter how good you are you have shortcomings. You are not perfect as the only one who was perfect in character was prophet (saw). Get rid of this disease.

56. Share your problems, your happiness, and your sadness with her.

57. Have mercy on her weakness. Have mercy when she is weak or strong as she is the fragile vessel. Prophet (saw) said that your wife is a trust in your hand.

58. Remember you are her strength, someone to lean on in times of hardship.

59. Accept her as she is. Prophet (saw) said that women are created from the rib which is bent. If you try to straighten her you will break her (divorce). Prophet (saw) said that you may dislike one habit in her but you will like another manner in her so accept her as she is.

60. Have good intention for your wife all the time, Allah monitors your intention and your heart at all times. Allah (s.w.t) said Among His Signs is that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.

May Allah fill our homes and heart with tranquility, love and Mercy and may Allah preserve all of our marriages and help us understand and implement them in and with the best of manners, AMEEN! InshaAllah.

The End